Ailini

life is good

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 21:57:13 GMT

I miss Angela alot. I miss Trinity alot too. I woke up to see that snow had covered the ground and thought of Angela. She always loved the first snow of the year when she was a child. I could hardly keep her inside till she was dressed for outdoor play. My other children think I have abandoned them. My youngest daughter has lied with her boyfriend for 2 years now....but i have abandoned her? My son wouldnt live with me if there was ANY where else he could live because he doesnt like my rules...but I abandoned him? I dont get that part...but ok. Now that MY life is starting to make some sense, I am the bad guy for living my life...ok. Chris and I are more in love now than ever...at least from where i sit we are LOL. Maybe its just the holidays aproaching, but, i will figure things out as i need them i guess. I cant make heads or tails out of most of this stuff thats going on in my life at this point. I only know that muy life with Chris is getting better all the time. My kids on the other hand ...at least the two youngest...are having some issues and trying to make me feel guilty for my life. Its not gonna work this time. I have lived for them and gone thru more than they will ever know for them. But, I did it because i love them. One day they will understand....I hope.

Kids and other animals

Tue, 18 Nov 2003 17:47:40 GMT

I seem to be having a realy hard time dealing with the idea that i have no more children at home. I dont know if anyone cxan identify with this in any way....ut I have always belonged to someone. Let me explain. I was my parents child for 16 years. I got married(I know, dont say it....big mistake) and then i was someones wife. I had my fist child at 17. Then i was someones mother. Time goes by. I get wise and leave my "husband". Kids grow up. One by one they leave. So here I am, 20 years later, more than half my life, and they are gone. How does one cope with being left alone? Ok, let me also say that technically, im not alone. I have my boyfriend Chris....and i love him dearly. Please dont think that i done. He is the best thing i have had happen to me since my children were born. But still, think about this....you spend over half of your life devoted to people. Doing for them, worrying about them. Doing without so they will have. Makeing sure that you do the best you can for them. Teach them to be responsibly adults. Then, one day they ARE responsibly adults. You have groomed them for this day to come, and it has. Never in your life did you think it would happen so soon. When did this happen? Why werent you sent the memo on this? Then they are gone. No warning(there was, you just refused to see it). Oh, you pretned to be happy so it doesnt hurt them. You never wanted to make them feel bad for doing what they are suppose to do. So, like a good mother, you bite your tongue and take it. But still, how do you cope? All the window dressing in the world will never make your heart fell full again. You start to remember when they were little and you could hold them in your arms and cuddle them. You start to wish for dirty little hands that hold mudpies and smudged faces that smile so excitedly. That toothless smile we all have at the stage in our lives when we start to get "grown up teeth". The wonder in their eyes when the figure out that they can tie their own shoes. The dandilions they bring to you because they see them as "pretty flowers for mommy" and they love you.
I dont know how to go from here. I miss them so much. And its ironic that I raised them to do just this to me. Sometimes, I want my babies back. There are times i would trade in my uninterupted sleep for sleepless nights in a heartbeat. But this is what i taught them to do. This is how it is suppose to be. I know this in my head....now, how do i let my heart in on this? It still sees tham as little children. They will never grow up in my heart. They do in my mind, but not my heart. Other woman have learned to do this, i suppose i will to. It just hurts so bad at times that i feel like i cant go on. I am done with this for now.....makeing my heart ache. Thanks for listening...again.

I cant believe it...

Mon, 17 Nov 2003 20:21:54 GMT

But i have to be the most fortunate woman in all the world. I count myself very blessed to be sure. All my bad feelings and hating myself have been my own doing. Chris never wanted me to feel bad or hate myself, I just felt that it was the right thing to do...considering. But, he has gone above and beyond the call of duty again...he loves me so much. How could I have EVER doubted it? he really is a man amoung men. If I were to search for a thousand years, I would never find a man that could compare.
Ok...so I am getting a bit mushy here....but i just wanted to declair my love for the most wonderful man in the world. It has been said before by many woman that they have the most wonderful man...it has all been lies. Because they didnt have Chris...so it wasnt possible for them to have the most wonderful man.
Ok...enough said. Im done being such a girl and getting all flowery.
Just let it be known and understood....I love you Chris.

Happiness?

Fri, 14 Nov 2003 04:57:37 GMT

How do i make it up to him? How do i prove my intent? He said I do it by not doing anything, Except be happy.
Ok....easy enough...right? Right? Now.....how do I do that? How do I "be happy" after what I have done to him? I dont think I can. Not as long as i see pain in his eyes, I dont think it is possibly. If i thought that there was ANYTHING that I could do that would make the pain even a tiny bit less for him, i would do it. As it stands, the only thing I can do is continue to do what I am doing, not a damn thing. Sure, I beat myself up emotionally..but it isnt anything that I dont deserve. He wont do it. I just wish.....never mind.....wishes are for people that have something to wish for. He has wishes he could wish for. I dont deserve to have any hope. You know what....fuck this. I cant take anymore tonight.

Bad Dreams

Wed, 12 Nov 2003 15:44:37 GMT

I woke up this morning at about 4 after haveing one of the most disturbing dreams i have had in a long time. It was so diturbing because it involved my son(who is 16 and living with his father by choice) . Let me start this off the right way. After getting off the phone with Chris last night( a very good conversation i might add) I showered and went straight to bed, i was very tired after having not slpt well for the past few weeks. I opened the window to allow a fresh, cool breeze to blow over me while i slept. I snuggled down and drifted off to sleep with no problem. Thats when the trouble started. I dreamt I was in this wonderfully warm place. The sun was shining on me. I seemed to be with people that i loved because i was very content and happy. suddenly a storm came up. I took my family to shelter. We slept thru the rainstorm. When we woke it was night. For some reason it seemed we were suppose to be somewhere. My son was afraid(he wasnt 16 in the dream) and was crying and clinging to me. My daughters were afraid as well, but they were older and could handle it better. For some reason we could not make it to the place we were suppose to be, so we went to a Motel for the night. Now....here is where it gets disturbing for me. ....I took my son to the bathroom and i killed him there. I put him in a duffle bag. I cleaned up the mess. I went in the room with the girls and i slept. We left in the morning for wherever we were to be, and i carried him with me. The girls didnt seem to notice he was gone. I kept checking on him periodicly to make sure he was "ok". I never let anyone else carry him even tho he wasnt heavy at all. That is when i woke up....we were getting ready to get on a plain for some reason. When i went thru bagage check they asked me what i ahd in the bag. I told them my son. They acted like it was perfectly normal to kill your son and carry him in a duffle bag. I woke wiht tears inmy eyes and a scream on my lips.

Ok, maybe i should not post this or i should make it private. I dont know. I have had bad dreams in the past, but i never killed anyone. I lay there and thought about it for a long time this morning. What could this mean. My only explination is that i miss him and want him with me. But why kill him and stuff him in the bag? I dont know. Maybe it means i will keep him with me always...even tho I dont get to see him much now. I am so scrared of that dream. I am still very uncomfortable. Anyone who knows me knows i would never cause phsical pain to another person unless absolutly needed. I dont think I should take this dream at face value. And as i re-read what i have written, i do think that it means i will keep with me ...even tho i hardly get to see him. Altho...I have been told that death in dreams means an end to something. I hope it doesnt mean and end to my son. Oh no, that is to horrible a thought to even entertain. Maybe, like i said, It just means he is no longer a little boy and he is no longer with "me" ...he is with his father now . I love him so muhc. He is the baby of the three. He is the last to leave. By the gods i miss my kids so much. I want them all lirttle again and under foot. I dont know how to be a person without being a mom to. I know, I will always be a mom. They will always be my children. But they dont need me now. They are grown and living their own lives. Which is what i raised them to do. But damit. Why do they have to do it.

I do think that it means i will carry him with me always.....no matter where he is. He is my baby boy. Even if his father has him now.....he lives in my heart always. Just like my girls do. All three of my girls live there to.
So, how do i go on? I dont know. We will see what happens. I have never been here before so i dont know what to expect. And you my lucky readers get to come along for the bumpy ride with me if so chose to.

Truth and consequenses

Tue, 11 Nov 2003 18:14:05 GMT

How do I redeem myself? How do I repair the damage I have done? Is there anyway? Probably not.
I have destroyed the man I love and I dont know what to do about it. I look inot his eyes now and see pain and suffering that I put there. This was something I never wanted to do. I love him desperately. He will not beleive me now tho. I lied. I lied alot. If I hadnt been so stupid I probably wouldnt be where I am now. If I hadnt lied he wouldnt hurt like this now. If I hadnt been so selfish. I tryed to make me better, but I did it the wrong way. Now, he has pain in his eyes that I cant take away. It may be there forever. He may never forgive me for this. And in all honesty, he has no reason to. I hate myself for what I have done to him. I cant repent enough for this. All I can do is take all the anger and pain he is willing to inflict on me for as long as he will continue to inflict it. I will prove to him that i will never do this again. And if thats what it takes to prove it, i will take it. I will take it willingly. I want him to beleive in me again and will do what i have to to make it happen. Im not saying that he willingly inflicts unreasonable amounts of pain on me, because he hasnt. I deserve everything that he has felt the need to say to me. I accually deserve more from him. I almost killed the man. i dont ever want to see that apin on his face or in his eyes again. The problem is that i see it ever time i look at him. I can tell when one of those thoughts cross his mind even wihtout him saying anything to me. its like a cloud that crosses over the sun. It blocks the light that is in him. I cant beleive I caused so much pain and hurt to someone I love so much. How could I be so cruel? Why was I so malicious? Did I really intend to cause pain to him? No, i didnt. If he was to leave me and never speak to me again, I would understand. I would be crushed, but i would deserve just that kind of action. I dont deserve him at all. The fact that he will ever look at me, much less speak to me speaks volumes about him. If I have the chance to, I will make him trust me again. if it takes the reast of my natural life i will. I dont want to be with anyone else but him. And one day he will know this and there will be no doubt in his mind or heart. One day it will happen.

DUH

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 14:37:10 GMT

Ok, so I am sitting here last night after i finished chatting with Chris,when suddenly I am hit like a bolt of lightning (not really, but it sounded good :))
The 30th of October was my 21 wedding anniversary. Now, let me explain a few things here.
1) I am NOT happily married....at all....we havent been together for over 5 years.
2) I didnt marry to get divorced and live the life of luxury....as anyone who knows me can attest to. I, like a fool, married because i loved the asshole. Unfortunately, he lied about who and what he was and is. I didnt find ou till I was already in it.
3) He was suppose to file when he was in priso, cause its cheaper and i didnt have the 5k to do it form out here...so i sent the money to him...still not divorced pfft
4)If i knew of a way to get the money to divorce him, I would in a heartbeat.
and finally....
5) It was a happy anniversary for me...cause I wasnt with him.

Now, I dont know if that sounds evil or not. To be honest, I really dont care.

A word of warning to those young ones out there.....make DAMN sure you know who it is that you ae marrying. I recommend you live together for at least a year befoire getting married. That doesnt mean you should move in together right away, but if you start leaning toward wanting to marry this person...live with them for a year first. see if you can stand to be around each other all the time. Find out what makes them really pissy at the drop of a hat. Find out what they expect from you and you expect from them. You would be surprised how different somene is when you live with them. Just make sure you want to be with them....even with all their little quirks and stuff. we all have em...just make sure you can deal with his/hers and vise/verse.
And that is all I have to say about that right now :)

Just a little side note here.....with all his faults and all his mistakes, Chris is wonderful man. He just gets "lost" in the goings on sometimes. Its ok...we have made a new leash to keep him in line....and its attached to my heart. I have learned alot thru this and I beleive he has to. When we get past this to the point that we can laugh about it, it will be a good thing. I love him so much. Its kinda sad in a way, but the best years of my marriage have been spent with another man. Not that I am complaining mind you....just a bit sad that my husband didnt want me except to control and take his agressions out on when things didnt go his way. Kinda like a child with a temper tantrum. Only with more hitting.
Maybe that is why I am so willing to try to remedy what might be ailling my relationship rather than toss it away. I have never had anything that made me feel so good before this. Only when you love someone as much as we love each other are you able to cause pain that is so deep. Not that you should cause it, just that it is possible to cause it.
Oh my...I do ramble dont I.
Anyway.....Im done with this post for now. For all I know , there may be more later. who knows :)

P.S. Happy Halloween :p

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 09:41:05 GMT

I am soooo sick. I feel like me head has been filled with concrete and my throat was sanded with 10 grit sandpaper (thats really really rough for those that dont know sandpaper). I cant stop coughing and my chest and back hurt now. The fun thing is that i lost my voice for a few days. I still dont have it back all the way, but i can be heard now. It was fun watching everyone try to figure out what i was trying to say LOL. now i just want to crawl into bed and not get out for a while. Mom seems to think i am gonna die if i dont go to the Dr. and have them tell me to stay in bed and drink lots of fluids...but i dont think i will die. i will , however, drink lots of fluids(cause i do anyway) and i will stay in bed(part of the time anyway) because i feel like poop. Anyway, thought you would like to know i am sick and need my teddy.

amazing

Mon, 27 Oct 2003 14:19:51 GMT

This weekend could not have been better. Chris took me to hounted houses. You must understand, I have never been and have alwas wanted to go, so this was a major thing for me. I know from past experiance that i get very clingy and stuff when i am scared. I warned him of this, he just smiled and said it would be ok. fast forward to later that evening....standing in line i am getting very nervous and excited. Already i have ahold of his hand in anticipation. He just smiles. I am starting to get a bit worried cause he is just smiling. I am asking all kinds of questions...can they grab you? will it be really scary? are their gonna be clowns? Are you SURE its ok if i hold onto you?
We enter. I think i broke his hand at least once. I burried my head in his chest at least a dozen times. I screamed so loud ihave no voice left. And all the time he was smiling. Did I miss something? When did me being scared shitless become a humorous thing? Or, was it the fact that he WANTED me to cling to him? Did he want to protect me? Was he enjoying this because he was the hero? saving me from the bogey man? I think so :)
The rest of the weekend was spent engaging in activities that are not intended for you to read about :)))
Just understand this, he loves me, i love him....everything else can be worked on.

P.S. you should see the ring he gave me. Not an engagment ring...more like a promise ring. And the card that was with it....oh my goodness. he made me cry with the heartfelt emotions that he wrote in it. I am one happy girl =)

Thu, 23 Oct 2003 03:13:32 GMT

Who decides what is normal and what isnt? Who is in charge of deciding what emotions are "safe" and what emotions are "demented"?
I like to think Im a very well rounded individual. I do pride myself on being unique. I can conform when it is needed and i do socialize well. I beleive in all the goodness that human life has to offer and would not willingly hurt another human. So, having said this and being in this confused state of mind, why am i veiwed as a "freak" or "twisted"?
I wish only good for those around me. I love completely and without regret. I will give you the shirt off my back if you have need...literally.
I know i am not the only one who has these "desires" and these "needs". I read about it all the time and i have alot of friends that engage in "unusual" behaviors.
I am not talking about sacrificing small children or anything like that....but you would think that I am by the reaction i get from most people that learn of my "kinks". These pertain to sex....
I like woman. They are soft and smell good and taste good. I love the tenderness of the touch of a woman.
I like pain. The sting of a whip on my back or a hand across my ample behind that turns my skin a lovely shade of red is indeed a desired activity.
I want to be controled. I am in charge of SOOOO many things in my life that at times, i wish someone else to take the reins and let me ride along.
I want to be desired. I want to know by your reaction that i am pleasing you. from the way my ass shimmies when you smack it, to the tears that stream down my face in shear exctasy.

I am not a 20 year old that has no idea what she wants. Nor am i a young girl just starting out on this road to discovery. I am a mature(altho i dont look it) woman with very strong desires and needs. who has the right to tell me i am "sick" or "twisted" because my avenue of pleasure seeking is different than yours? Why am I the one that scares you? Do you desire the same but find it shameful?

haunted houses and other scary stuff

Wed, 22 Oct 2003 20:11:13 GMT

ok..so i have never been to a haunted house before. I know. i am pathetic :)
Anyway, my b/f(whom i have made up with, for the most part =)) is gonna take me to some this weekend. We have the whole weekend palnned and full of fun and other stuff:)
I will let you know how things go when the weekend is over.
I just hope mother nature doesnt decide to ruin this weekend for me...if you know what i mean =wink=

Hmmm...

Mon, 20 Oct 2003 20:31:15 GMT

Why does it seem that every time i say something lately , i offend someone? What i say doesnt sound rude or nasty when it is going thru my head, nor when it is comming out of my mouth or my fingers. So, this being the case, what am i doing wrong? Maybe it isnt me. Maybe it is just that everyone i know is having a bad time of it at the same time.
Maybe...just maybe...the aliens have come and replaced all my friends with body doubles, and now they ae trying to rule the world.
Yeah...thats what has happened...i'm sure of it.
Now, how to stop the evil bastages....mwahahahaha

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 05:57:43 GMT

Remember when we were young and things were so damn easy? remember the toughest decission you had to make was what the hell your were gonna wear to school that day?

I wish things were so easy now. They are and have always been simple....but...to carry them out now is so fucking hard. I just want sweet sleep to take this away. make it all seem right somehow. Make it make sense. If only i knew how to take it apart and put it back together so it works. Feels like bands of steel wrapped around my chest..steeling the air from me. Causeing my heart to beat irregular. My head hurts from the thoughts. My heart hurts from the feelings. My body hurts from the tension. I want it the way it was. But at the same time, i want it new again. Am I being selfish? Am i being unreasonable?
I don't know..but i am so tired of takeing second place.
Confusion is a weight around my neck and it is dragging me deeper in. I cant find my way out for some reason.
I cant think now.....mind is to full.

ahhh life...

Tue, 07 Oct 2003 22:34:56 GMT

it has a way of fucking with you when you least expect it to. There are times that wish i could crawl in a hole and disappear from the sunlight that taunts my every waking moment with lies of warmth and love. All i ever wanted out of life was someone to love me .....completely. I ask only 10 things from the man i want to be with. This is a list of the 10 things. If any of you guys see something wrong with it, please enlighten me with your wisdom. i dont understand guys, so i am probly asking him to love me like a woman loves. Anyway, i shall list these.

1. I want to be wanted, not just to be needed.
2. I want my partner to think i am the most beautiful woman in the world...no matter what. and I want him to let me know this.
3. I want to be flirted with by him. Not just in the beginning, but for the rest of my life.
4. I don't want the hand holding and the kissing to ever stop.
5. I want to know that no matter whathappens, he will be there for me and i will be there for him.
6. I want my partner to share EVERYTHING with me. The good, bad, and the ugly.
7. I want him to care for me the way i care for him. Not just with words, but with actions as well.
8. I want to know that when times get tough, I will have somene to stand by me, as i will stand by him.
9. I want to be loved so completely that it scares me sometimes.
10. I want to know that he will always tell me when things are just not right and not run away.

ok...let it rip now..open both barrels on me. let me have it. i know its coming. tell me what you think.

update inc.

Wed, 01 Oct 2003 01:45:26 GMT

this is gonna be a long post because it will contain a lot of what i saw and did and thought on my trip. if you are not interested, please skip to the end :)

Friday Morning:
as the train pulled away from the station, I'm not exactly sure what I expected. I had an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like I was forgetting something very important. Then I relized....it was Chris I was forgetting. This was a trip he and I were to take together, now I was going alone. The couple across from me only increased my loneliness. As I watched them I felt even more empty and alone. But, they were so consumed with each other that they barely looked at the rest of the world. The love they had for each other was a beautiful thing, even if it hurt so bad to watch it, I couldnt take my eyes from them for a long time.
Finally, the rocking of the train calmed me a bit. i had always heard that a train is a very relaxing trip, but I can tell you first hand it is. It was the gentle rocking that kept me from losing my mind. I was able to enjoy the scenery outside my window. The leaves are starting to change colors and makes the world look all warm and sun-kissed. I even smiled a few times.

Friday Night:
It was very dark by the time pulled into Chicago. As I looked out of my window, I was disoriented and confused and maybe just a bit disappointed. I'm not sue what I had expected Chicago to look like, but as I looked around a bit I thought to myself "this looks just like Kansas City". Maybe I expected it to look like a shinning gem in the night, sparkling and shimmering....Or maybe I expected it to be soot covered and dirty. It was neither of these things. Almost immediately a line from a Guns& Roses song came into my mind "the streets don't change but maybe the names". It rang true in my mind at that point.
Stranded in Chicago due to the hurrican. Amtrak has kindly put us up in a hotel for the night and provided cab fare and money for food. Kind of ironic, but had the hurrican NOT stopped the train, i would be hungry. As it is now, i have more money now than when i started this trip. I even had enough to but one of those one time use cameras. Gonna get some pics of Chicago if the weather clears up before we leave here.
Met an older woman on the train. Her name is Betty. She is almost 80 years old and still going strong. She and I have been talking a bit. She has led a very interesting life. I hope I am half as livly as she when I am her age.

Saturday Morning:
It's 6:30am now. just made my coffee and looked out the window. Looks like it will be a beautiful day today. standing on the balcony drinking coffee and watching the city wake up. Still feeling like a shell that has been hollowed out, but, I am trying to lose myself in the activities so I don't dwell. Called the train station. The train will leave today. I just have to wait a few hours.
Back at the train station. Five hours till departure. I walked around Chicago for a ew hours and took some pics. I did acquire a friend while on my journey on foot about the city. i was followed for over 2 blocks by a pigeon. a little black thing. I would walk, and he would walk. i stopped and he would stop and peck at the ground a bit. I turned to look at him and he looked back as if to say "what? what are you looking at? I'm just walking here". I had to take a picture of him. At least I think it was a him. I will have fun trying to explain this to people..."ok, I have pics of people, pleaces...oh..and here is a pigeon" :) Anyway, guess I will read a bit to kill time. Glad i brought a book along.
This just in....
I just talked with a young man in the train station. I saw something blue flashing in his backpack so i stopped him and told him. In case it was his cell or something. He looked surprised that i would stop him. He then said it was ok. It was just his homing device. That he was from Krypton. He then flashed the 'superman" tattoo on his chest and put his finger to his lips and said "shhhh". He made me smile. He smiles back and continued on his way. Saw him about an hour later. He was walking with great speed and determination around the train station and singing very loud. Very interesting day to say the least.

Saturday Evening:
Back on the train. Trying to sleep a bit. Haven't slept well in almost a month. We will see how this trip turns out. I hope I can forget for a while. Or at least ease the pain a bit. It hurts so bad. Anyway, enough about that. More on the trip when i arrive in WV.

This is it so far. Will continue the update at a later date. Have to sort thoughts and stuff. Up to this point it was a great trip if not riddled with sad feelings and a broken heart, but a great trip none the less.
More later :)

Fri, 19 Sep 2003 03:19:53 GMT

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Thu, 18 Sep 2003 21:20:02 GMT

I leave tonight. i will be gone for one week. Will update this when i return. maybe have some pics too. We will see.
Till then =hugs=

Mon, 15 Sep 2003 00:17:30 GMT

ok..its been a few days since i updated this thing. All i can say is this....pain is not condusive to my writing abilities. This thing with Chris is really fuckin with me. I think it is because it was so out of the blue and soooo unxpected. we have finally seen each other for the first time since this happened. We talked all night. He still says that he just wants a break. Thast he still loves me and that he is still in love with me. He just doesnt feel right about going out and flirting with girls while he is in a relationship, and that is something he hasnt been able to do is just go to the bars and flirt or get a lap dance or phone number. he has been in a relationship since he was 17...but still. I dont know how the male mind works when it comes to this stuff. Could he be telling the truth about this and I am over reacting? I love him...and he says he loves me....so is anything else really inportant?
Confusion has set in and it is NOT good. I have been so manic the last 2 weeks it isnt funny.
Altho, many drinks at a bar seem to help with the inability to take a deep breath. yes...I am that fucked up that this is causeing me all kinds of problems. Thepain gets so bad at times that i cant breath. A few drinks later and i can breath just fine.
This is all very odd for me becuase...i am pretty much a tee totaler. I dont drink(for the most part) but this has added a new dimension to me it seems.
I hope it doesnt last all the long....i dont want this to become a habit for me.
Maybe i need to find a new way to ease the pain so i can breath. any help is welcome :)

Sun, 07 Sep 2003 02:27:27 GMT

well, it seems to be official. I am a single girl again. after 4 years and alot of fucking money, he wants a stripper. What the fuck have i done that is so fucking bad that the men that i love wanna dump me for these fucking strippers? He said he loves me....but i think he lies. But you know what, I love him. and i dont lie. I wanna be able to say that i hope he is happy with what he is doing. But to be honest i dont hope that. As much as he has hurt me, i hope he is miserable and gets his fucking ass in a sling he cant get out of. Is that a bad and vindictive thing to say? Maybe. But i dont give a shit. This came out of left field and i dont know right now how to deal with it, so i will do what i need to to get thru. He said its just a break, but he wont want to get back together after all this shit. If nothing else, i do know how his mind works. This last weekend he and i were talking about what we needed to get for the apartment still, cause he asked me to move in with him. This weekend he wants to be rid of me. I just dont understand it. And you know what, i prolly wont understand it till he makes the time to talk to me about it. Like i said, till then, i will do what i need to do to make it thru.

Fri, 05 Sep 2003 18:17:06 GMT

I cant believe how much this hurts. my stomach is knotted and i cant stand up straight. I bounce from maniacal laughter to sobbing uncontrollably. I will see him tomorrow. i want him to tell me to my face that he doesn't wanna be with me anymore. If he can do that, then he really is done with us. I don't get it. what is so wrong with me that I dont deserve to be loved? All i ever wanted was for someone to be there for me thru all the bullshit like i am for them. WTF? Is my bullshit so much that no one can or will deal with it? i can deal with anything as long as i know about it. I dealt with being cheated on, lied to, beat, verbally abused. And i took it....i can deal with bullshit. Where the fuck are the real men who will stand by you when you need them?
Chris has been there for me emotionally. So I dont understand why he can tell me he loves me..is in love with me...but cant be with me. What the fuck did i do that was fucking wrong?

Did I say life is good?

Fri, 05 Sep 2003 14:12:17 GMT

My how things change in a just a blink of an eye. i was going along fine and then BAM! someone hits me in the fucking heart. I dont understand why he decided to leave me. He really hasnt given me any reason that makes sense to me. He sas he still loves me and is still in love with me....so i am confused to the point of brain shutdown. At this point my heart is alternating between breaking into a million pieces and being so numb i cant feel it. I am angry and hurt. I dont understand this at all. When my marriage ended after 15 years i wasnt this devistated, because i knew it was comming. after 4 years of this relationship, its over, just bacause he said it is? What about me? what about what i want? why doesnt it fucking matter to anyone? oh god...i cant stop the tears.
my ex-husband use to make me cry histarically, i swore when he and i parted ways that i wouldnt let another man that deep into my heart. I even warned Chris not to make a snap deccision about wanting in my heart. its not a place for the squeemish. He told me he wanted in....then he couldnt deal with it. I swore i wouldnt let a man make me cry like a little bitch again....and i fucking did. I am as pissed at myself about this as i am about that fact that the little fucker did this in the first fucking place.
Sheesh....i have a really bad mouth.
I just dont understand how, when i have planned my future with him in it, am i supose to go on with him not there. I let him inside my heart and my head. I dont know how to think about him not being there. this will take some time i beleive.

life is good so far :)

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 03:24:21 GMT

i have made a decission about a few things in my life. I have decided that I am going to spend more time on me. I am sooo tired of being the responsible one in my life. Time for me to act a fool a bit. Just a bit mind you. I cant see me going all out and getting absolutly stupid...but a little stupidity would be welcome. So, this weekend, broke as i am, my ass is going out and dancing if i have to rob someone to do it :) Who knows, maybe someone will flirt with me and boost my ego a bit. I have been feeling a bit like the ugly duckling as of late. Dont say it...i know....i just said i was feeling like it. You know...the one i want to flirt with me isnt doing it. gonna have to let him know hes taking me for granted again.Oh well...he cant be responsible for how i feel i guess. Anyway, I will post the outcome of this friday night out. Who knows...maybe i will have something that is worth you reading :) gonna see if i can pick up a lady friend for the night. Missing the touch of a woman a bit.
One a different note...i decided to join the gym here. I miss working oout and i can tell i havent done it in a long time. The equipment is not bad so i should see some results pretty fast. i cant wait till i get my ass back in shape :)

rain drops keep falling on my head....

Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:13:21 GMT

Finally...that sweet elixer that quenches the thirst that has ravaged this land for much to long has arived. cant wait till the morning and smell the wet earth. i have missed that.

sheesh

Sat, 23 Aug 2003 02:40:50 GMT

i really need to learn to keep my big mouth fucking shut. I hate it when i start a conversation with someone and they wanna get take it all personal and get offended. That just makes me say more shit and that gets me no where fast. I am generally a very happy go lucky kind of girl, but even happy girls have a bad day every no and then. this is then.
Let me begin by saying this...if anyone decided to read this be warned...it is VERY opinionated and will probly offend you.
I have just about had it with these lazy ass mutherfuckers that feel like they are somehow above me. whjo the fuck said that they could sit on their asses and let me take care of all this shit? And since when did it become my responsibilty to care for these people? You tell me I am stressed and need to calm down...hell, i cant calm down because you are damn near comatose and SOMEONE has to fucking get shit done. Not everyone has the option to NOT worry. Some of us have to, so that fucks like you can NOT do it. if you dont do the dishes, someone will. If you dont pay your bills, someone will. Fuck that. And then wanna tell me what I am doing so wrong. What the fuck gives YOU the fucking right to judge ME. You with your security net. You are capable of doing so much more than what you are doing. You say its hard to do these things. Guess what...life fucking sucks...deal. We all have to do shit we dont wanna do and we all have to do shit that is hard. So what? What is going to happen to you when she is gone? That security net you have...who will cater to your wishes then? i wont do it any more. You have shown me that no matter what, I am on my own for the duration. It has always been like that and will always be like that. But now...oh now...you want to be with me. You want to "talk" to me. You never fucking had time for me before. Even when i was little...i was simply in your way. Now I have grown into an indpendant woman and you cant deal with it. Just because you gave me life doesnt mean you have the fucking right to fuck with it now. And you...yeah you....I am not good enough for you now? You dont deserve me now, you fucking pig. I will give you this much...you taught me sooo much about myself. You taught me that i dont need a miserable fuck like you in my life. You taught me that I CAN do anything i choose to do. And you taught me that when it is all said and done.....you dont matter anymore.
none of this really matters anymore. Who cares? No one.
But its ok....I am so much the better for it. With or without you, I will survive. You are beneath me now. And as always, when the dusts settles and the smoke clears...it will be ME that is still standing.
For this I will always be greatful to you.
To all of you that made me what I am...strong.
But, my gratitude is all you will EVER get from me again. Yuo have taken your last strike at me. You have drawn your last riverlet of blood. You have seen your last tear from me.
never again....never again

I'm back...

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 04:01:08 GMT

its been a little while since i posted last. And this is why. my comp decided to crash on me about 2 weeks ago. now, being the technical wiz that i am(sarcasm) I tryed to fix it. This would be why it has been 2 weeks. Anyway, much has been learned from this...like...NEVER use the OS cd to fix a 'problem" with your comp. Always have handy a copy of your OS. make a back up. Have on hand a WORKING boot floppy. and last but definatly not least...dont fuck with shit you dont know about.
There will be more on this at a later date I am almost certain.
till then... sleep is needed badly by your truely.
Sweet sleep, come and draw me into your loving embrace. Cover my skin with the warm kiss of darkness. Come, take me, your willing sevant.
good sleep to you all :)